An Ocean

Grief OceanThis week has been an interesting one from an emotional standpoint. I’ve felt a dullness since Willow passed. Sometimes it becomes more prominent. Others it diminishes.

In the times when it diminishes, I feel a certain amount of guilt that I don’t feel more sad.

How can I move on with my life so quickly after losing someone who occupied such a large part of my life for so long?

I remember feeling that way when Dad died too. Sure I was sad, but his passing wasn’t the saddest, hardest thing I ever lived through.

For that I’d have to put my separation from my ex-. Or my aunt’s suicide many years before that…

It feels similar with Willow’s passing.

But then the emotions catch me off guard. Facebook shares a memory of Willow looking adorable from a year or so ago, and the tears begin to fall. I received a condolence card from a friend, and more tears leak from my eyes. I’m eating a snack, and I have to stop myself from offering Willow a bite. I walk out the door, and I get ready to say, “I’ll be back soon, Babers.”

Experience tells me that the pain gets less with time. That’s not a huge comfort right now. Right now the tide is high, the moon is full, and the waves are pushing far into shore. Low tide will come around again, then high. Eventually the moon will wane, bringing relief.

Willow cow dog_2011

Best Halloween costume for a bulldog… 🙂 2011

Funny to think that I’ve been a pet owner essentially my whole life. Losing pets (and honestly, even people) has gotten a bit easier. But it still hurts every time. Maybe because with each new loss, the previous ones also revisit us.

I’ve found myself hoping that Dad is watching out for Willow… If he’s still on that particular plane, I’m sure he is.

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