The “I’m not good enough” bug has been buzzing around my head lately. He’s accompanied by the “What’s wrong with me?” bug.
They’ve been staying out of my “normal” life (e.g. teaching, writing, creating, even my Ph.D. stuff), but when I get thinking about my romantic prospects they buzz, buzz, buzz.
I think my impending birthday is triggering this bit of anxiety. This time of year marks 6 years since the final ugliness with my ex-husband, and me moving out of our home.
It’s been 6 years since I’ve been in a committed relationship of any kind.
I’ve got a pretty good bug zapper nowadays that gets rid of those negative little buggers quickly. But right now, the electricity is off on that trendy device, and the questions are begging: “What’s wrong with me?” “Why am I still alone?”
I’m trying to give my loneliness space while avoiding being consumed.
I’m allowed to feel lonely sometimes. It’s a natural cycle that nearly everyone goes through.
But the real story is that I’ve felt lonely a lot in my life. Even during my marriage I often felt alone.
I feel like I’m doing the right things. I reach out to friends to hang out from time-to-time. I invest time in taking care of myself. I write. I create.
But none of that gets rid of the craving to wake up next to my partner in the morning. To have someone hold me when I come home from work.
I’m usually good with being alone: perhaps too good. But sometimes, like now, I feel intensely lonely…
So, I’m feeling lonely and sad. But it’s Ok. Life isn’t always easy, but it’s always meaningful. There’s plenty to learn from these episodes when I have them.
For now, I’ll listen to the rain, write in my journal, and watch my favorite lonely pick-me-up. It’s a nice reminder that I’m not alone in my loneliness.