It’s a process…
My process involves two primary components: music and creation.
Right after my dad died back in 2011, I had a strong impulse to make a mosaic. So I made one of the bass drum he had when he played in the band. It hangs over my door.
Since Shanna’s death, I haven’t been working on anything specifically in remembrance of her, but I have been keeping busy with making gifts for a couple of friends. My way of showing those friends that I care. One isn’t finished and the other hasn’t been delivered, but creating these gifts has been helping me none the less.
I’ve also been writing. A lot. You’ve read my blog posts about this tragedy (here and here), but I’ve also been journaling like a mad woman. I spent a couple of hours drinking cider at the Independent last night and writing. I’d pause from time to time to research certain topics of interest related to my thoughts, but I wrote page after page…
I’ve also been listening to certain songs. When I’m very sad, I like to listen to songs that resonate with that feeling. I even went through my music list and made a playlist. But two songs have been standing out to me.
Joe sings that we can all use some mercy now. Those words call to me. My heart goes out to my aunt, who lost her only child in all of this. Last year around this time she lost her husband of 30+ years. My heart aches for such a tragic loss. I could use a little mercy right now.
I also think of the murderer in all of this… Joe sings, “We all need a little mercy now. We may not deserve it, but we need it anyhow.” I don’t think Jacob deserves mercy. He doesn’t. But it also doesn’t do any good to withhold it. Not in the long run.
I’m not there yet. Not yet… It’s just too soon.
I’ve got to keep working on this.
The other song that’s been resonating is “Life Goes On” by Matt Bednarsky.
In one of his house concerts, Matt said he wrote this song when his uncle died. After the funeral, they went to the bar. They shared memories about him, but then the conversation turned to the game on the TVs.
And just like that, life goes on…
Already, the pain doesn’t feel so sharp. I only looked for updates to the case once today. There are large parts of my day where I haven’t thought about this at all. Right now I’m giving my feelings of sadness space, while also giving space for remembrance and full good-byes.
Even saying good-bye is a process sometimes. Maybe a lot of the time.
But the process has started. I’m appreciative of the different coping tools I have to help me through this, because once upon a time I didn’t. I would have just bottled all of my feelings up about this.
I’m also appreciative of the creators of songs and other art that help to make sense of these crazy things in life.