Midnight Vulnerability Session

I can’t sleep, so I figured I might as well blog.

Too many thoughts are whirling around in this head. Mostly they are good ones, which is a relief.

I’m really excited to start my new job on Monday. At the same time, the suddenness of this change is pushing me outside of my comfort zone. I don’t consider this to be a bad thing in the slightest, but some of those familiar emotions are coming up with moving into this unfamiliar terrain.

Feelings like: excitement, awkwardness, fear, vulnerability, worry, self doubt.

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When I went to pick-up my processing paperwork today, I was told that I could start at the school today (since it’s after midnight now). All day long, while I was in the processing office and until my supervisor called me back, I was thinking about that. I could certainly use the couple extra days worth of pay. However, I realized I was really scared, and I needed a bit of a mental buffer between yesterday and actually starting.

I requested my start date be Monday instead, and I feel better about having that mental processing time.

I’m glad that I listened to my gut in regards to that, but I’m also proud of myself for even pausing to listen to how I was feeling in the first place. In the not-too-distant past, I would have plunged in, not wanting to disappoint my new place of employment, and in doing so gotten myself into a situation where I felt overwhelmed.

And I’m already a little worried about being overwhelmed anyway. At first, it’s going to be rough. I’m coming in half-way through the year. I don’t have a lot of experience with classroom management. I don’t have a lot of experience with lesson planning. I’ll be taking classes towards my teaching certification. I’ve still got to make progress with my Ph.D. work. And, I need to make sure I take care of myself and stay sane…

These challenges  seem to be causing the little voices to pipe up, “You can’t handle it,” and the times when I’ve failed in the past to surface. Things like:

  • when I got fired from a job
  • when I failed/dropped out of my chemical engineering program
  • when I bought a lemon of a car
  • when I got a divorce

Fortunately I’ve developed a nice chorus of voices who remind me that “I am enough” that mostly drown out those little pip squeaks.

I wasn’t lying before when I said that mostly good thoughts were cycling through my brain. The excitement is the predominant thing I’m feeling. Intuitively I know I’m going to be a great teacher. I already have experience in the classroom. I’ll be working at a school that provides a lot of support to its teachers, so I’ll have help. I want so much to make a difference in my students’ lives and help them to be successful in whatever they do!

Years of education, personal reflection (and fate?) have led me here. Teaching feels like the right thing for me. 

But I’m scared, and that needs its space too.

So here I am: imperfect, but enough.

The suddenness of this change is pushing me out of my comfort zone, but I know that great personal growth comes from moving outside of my comfort zone too.  I’ll ease into the change as gracefully as possible, and I will fully try to remain open to all of the lessons that come my way. 

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I AM enough, and I will be a good teacher.

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