Once Upon a Time

It was so damn easy to fall into a relationship.

You liked someone. They liked you back. You even admitted it to each other! Maybe you made out a time or two. You started going to the same places together a lot. All of a sudden you were boyfriend and girlfriend (or whatever variation).

Maybe it didn’t last long, maybe it did. A few months to a few years. But during that time you were exclusive, and you gave it a full go.

We weren’t ready for a relationship, necessarily. We just followed our guts and our emotions to a place where we explored our happiness in another’s full time company.

We over complicate things as adults. Now we have to be ready for a relationship, whatever that means. Can’t be too close to the last break up. Nor too far, because then you start enjoying your new version of freedom! Things have to be just right: 6’0″, educated, nice butt, C-cup, long hair, short hair, tattoos, no tattoos… For some the check list is lengthy.

No more clicking with someone and enjoying the ride to a more intimate and vulnerable relationship. Everything must be perfect to enter a relationship that is sure not to be.

Sometimes I post the heinous messages I get from men through online dating. While these messages are certainly discouraging, they aren’t the hardest thing about online dating to me. The hardest thing is to meet someone you actually like. And not just in the friendly sort of way. I’ve met plenty of guys I could be friends with (some I am!). I’m talking about someone you want to kiss (and ultimately do more with). Someone who gets the butterflies fluttering in your stomach. Someone you can talk to for hours, and you want to hear more and more about them. And you want to share more and more about yourself.

Over the years, I’ve met a few guys like that. The most recent? Not ready for a relationship. Only been a few months since his last relationship ended. Looking for lust and not commitment right now.

On the one hand I’m glad to learn all of this now. I want to be with someone who likes me enough to pursue me as much as I’m pursuing him. I want to be with someone who might be afraid of commitment, I sure am, yet is willing to work past that regardless.

We didn’t date long, but we saw a lot of each other during that period of time. Aside from the lustful sorts of feelings he brought up, I really enjoyed his company. I didn’t want to put any pressure on wherever we might be going, but these things come up when you talk for hours. And I’m an honest person.

I am quite sick of attracting emotionally unavailable men though. There have been a couple of guys in recent history that I’ve hit it off with that were only interested in the preliminary activities of a relationship instead of the real deal. I can’t fault them for doing what is right for them. But I long to meet someone who wants the same thing I do in regards to romantic attachment.

I thought I might have gotten what I wanted for Christmas. Turns out Santa brought the wrong fit. Happens that way, I guess. Again.

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