The Next Phase

Stages_of_GriefI’m somewhere between denial and anger in the stages of grief. Today, I’m much closer to the side of anger though.

Throughout the day I’ve found myself checking the internet for more news about the shooting. Even at school, during my lunch, I had to see if they named the suspect.

Partially I feel guilty for wanting to know more. It feels gruesome, somehow. Yet I want to understand. I want answers. I want to make sense of this.

But I don’t think there really is any sense. I’ll never understand. There are answers, but they aren’t fulfilling…

At lunch time, the media still hadn’t announced who the main suspect was.

Unfortunately, I already knew, because my aunt told me yesterday. By the time I made it home the media announced it too.

You see, the triple homicide is bad enough. What makes it worse is that Shanna’s son did the shooting.

And it was most definitely premeditated.

When I was reading those news stories, I was shaking. Crying and shaking. Crying with denial, because I still have a hard time believing it. Shaking with rage, because … well … what a fucking coward.

He even shot two of the dogs…

Your ex- has a new boyfriend? Put on your big boy pants, grieve, and move on with your life. If you feel you really have to, punch him in the jaw. But don’t shoot him.

You kill a man because he’s dating your ex-? Now you go inside and kill the two people who might have supported you through the consequences of your terrible choice? Just to cover up?

You just killed three people? Put on your big boy pants and take accountability. Don’t try to blame the shootings on your step-dad. (Apparently he tried to paint himself as the hero of this story. Thank the gods for forensics.)

Cowardice.

There’s no other word. For him, nor the thousands of others who go this route.

Right now I’m left with rage I don’t know what to do with.

Whatever I do end up doing with it, it will be an act of creation and love. Not one of destruction.

We don’t need more of that in this world. There’s too much…

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