Thoughts on V-day 2013

I originally posted this on Facebook as a note in 2013. I thought I’d share it via my blog:

It’s rough being a divorced, single gal around Valentine’s Day. I never even really liked Valentine’s Day when I was married, because I’m of the opinion that you should show each other love all of the time. But now that I’ve been lacking a serious romantic relationship for almost four years, I tend to dread V-day when it comes creeping around…

 It tends to bring with it doubt. Go to Target to pick up a prescription, and red hearts scream at you about how you are defective and no one will ever love you again. See your coupled friends canoodling, and you can’t help but wonder when it will be your turn. Know that your ex- found someone else six months after you separated (before you divorced) and is living with her happily in Utah, and things get pretty grim some days…

 Nowadays, the vast majority of the time I’m perfectly happy being single. There are things that I prefer about being single, and things I worry about when I do enter a serious relationship because I’ve lived alone for so long.

 And yet … the thought lingers. The craving peeks its head out of the caverns of my heart, wanting affection. Wanting to try again. Wanting that deep connection that comes from a serious, committed relationship with someone who sets your body tingling and your heart quivering. With someone who challenges you in all the right ways. With someone who supports your passions. With someone you have fun with almost all of the time, but when things aren’t fun you still have each others’ backs…

 So instead of thinking about that too much, and what I don’t have, I’ve decided to take another approach this year. I’ve instead decided to focus some energy on the more general idea surrounding Valentine’s Day:  love.

 Love comes in so many forms. Love of a parent, brother, sister, and other family members. Love of friends, who become family by proximity and shared experience. Love of authors, musicians, and poets who move our souls…

 So to celebrate this Valentine’s Day, I’m going out with some girlfriends to celebrate our friendship over dinner and drinks. I also gave or sent Valentine’s greetings to many of my loved ones. And giving has felt good… I’ve gotten so many wonderful replies to my small tokens of love.

 Ultimately, I’m counting my blessings instead of focusing on the one area that has been vacant in my life for, what I feel is, too long.

 That part of my life is hard sometimes. Living alone. Wanting to be held. Wanting to share my greatest hopes and my deepest fears with someone who will love me all the more because of them. And vice versa…

 But I can never forget all of the wonderfully fantastic people who grace my life. Who I am incredibly lucky to know and interact with. Who bring out the best in me when I’m feeling my worst. Who have had my back in those dark times…So I thank you, FB friends who are reading this, and many others who won’t. If you are on my friend list, you have been a positive part of my life in some way, even if it was in the past. And I can’t help but be grateful for all of the positive influences in my life. Because I am blessed. I am living a life (mostly) of my choosing. I am following one of my passions as a career.

 I will find a partner I deserve, and until then I just need to keep counting my blessings…

 Namaste

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