A couple of days ago one of my Canada bike ride posse told me that she didn’t want to go anymore. She said she felt off trajectory by planning for the Canada thing.
Thus far she’s been the one that has seemed the most into the trip. We’ve been riding together pretty regularly. During those time we talked logistics and whatnot. So her decision came as a bit of a shock.
I’m disappointed she won’t be coming, and I told her as much. But I also understand and am completely in support of her doing what is right for her.
But her changing her mind has turned up a bunch of questions for me. The biggest being: if no one ends up wanting to do this with me next year, do I still want to do it?
In day-to-day life, my answer to smaller things is: yes! I take myself out to dinner. If I want a beer and no one else wants to go, you’ll find me at different pubs with either a book or my journal while I drink my beverage. Sometimes I go to movies. I go to concerts by myself fairly often. Sometimes I send out some sort of invite to friends to join me. Sometimes I go because I want to go. Regardless, if there’s something I want to do and others don’t want to join me, I don’t let that hold me back anymore. I did that too long during my marriage…
So I want to hold the same attitude for this trip. But this feels bigger. While the trip is a personal celebration of me making it to age 40, I very much want to share it with other people.
The thought has occurred to me to that it’s selfish to want to celebrate my birthday in this way. Most people just want to get together for drinks and cake. And I’ll do that in April when my actual birthday is.
Maybe I’ll keep that in mind. My time to share my birthday with my friends will be in April. The bike trip will be for me. A celebration of making it to true mid-life. Those who want to join me will be welcome, but if I need to go it alone maybe that’s what was meant to be.
And there are other options too. I could always sign up for an organized group instead of going alone. That would be a pricier option, but it is an option.
I have time to figure it out. Right now my gut and heart tell me the trip will happen no matter what. I’m still feeling disappointed that my friend won’t be there, but I’m also still excited about the prospect of the bike trip.