It’s the third day back for teachers in my county (Pinellas, FL). I’ve cried during two of them.
Last Friday I talked with my Assistant Principal to let her know I’d be taking a year-long leave of absence. I’m working this week to create substitute plans (and earn a paycheck), so I came on campus to submit my paperwork.
That part went Ok. And working on sub plans mostly went Ok. But as I was working on them I couldn’t help but wonder. What questions were sneaking through my filter while planning the lesson, those ones that sneak in even the best-planned lesson? What things was I not explaining well enough considering I wouldn’t be in the room or online to answer student questions? How would I even answer them, considering I’d be in the back of the room helping a face-to-face student when a virtual student needed help? Or vice versa.
And I couldn’t help but wonder how many of the face-to-face students will have a laptop or a device on that first day? Normally those students would just share, but in Covid? I made the lessons in Nearpod, a wonderful online application. But what if you can’t get online? What sort of back-up lesson should I have for them? Or what if the school Wifi goes down or is spotty, as it’s historically been? What will students do on the day of a fire or school shooter drill?
I also wanted to, and tried to, inject some of my personality into the lessons. Only to realize I’ll never get to know these students. (Here come the tears again.) And they’ll never get to know my weird, Dr. Foust sense of humor. They’ll never get the benefit of my expertise as a scientist. They’ll wonder why a substitute is teaching the class. The ones I had last year will wonder where I am. And the ones I haven’t had yet will never know how much I care for them even right now, before meeting them.
But that’s also the reason I can’t go back. I care so much for my students, and I lead by example. I will never ask a student to do something I wouldn’t myself do. And right now, I’m modeling leadership that involves walking away from unsafe conditions. I’m modeling leadership that shows it’s ok to walk away from toxicity and unhealthy environments. My students deserve to see folks modeling that lesson.
**Sidenote: For all who want to walk away but can’t, it’s Ok that you are staying. Society never should have put this burden on you!**
Not going back is an uncomfortable decision. It’s a risky decision. I haven’t won the lottery recently, and there ain’t no Daddy Warbucks around. I don’t have another job lined up (though I am completely ready to start delivering groceries). I’ve got $3,000 in dental work that needs to be done some day, assuming I have any teeth left on the day I can afford to get it done. I’ve got $92,000 in student loans.
But as Luvvie Ajayi says, get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
There is a lot of change happening across the nation. I’m going to keep living within my values and causing good trouble.
But damn, I’m going to miss those students this year.