Wishing everyone happy holidays across the board.
But wishing doesn’t always make it come true for everyone… A loose definition: Loneliness – “Loneliness isn’t about being alone. It’s about feeling unseen.”
That definition of loneliness really hits for me. There’s something way deep down, probably from some dynamic that happened or started when I was very young, that has caused me to feel misunderstood, invisible, or as the article states it, “unseen.”
An example: When I was working on my bachelor’s degree, I worked part-time in the Biology office. The full-time office worker was a little flaky, so I ended up taking on a lot of duties. I got to know all of the faculty, both through taking their classes and doing well in them, but also through putting their mail in their mailboxes, making copies for them, etc…
After graduating, I took a job that didn’t end up working out. About a year and a half after earning my bachelor’s, I thought of going back to school to earn my master’s degree. When reaching out to potential mentors to the master’s program, I remember including something like, “Dear Dr. –, You probably don’t remember me, but…” I’d been gone for a year-ish. In my mind the potential was there that they’d completely forgotten about me.
So, yeah… Whenever I find a new, consistent therapist here, I’ll continue working on this issue.
All of this is to say, some of this issue is about … well … my own issues. And there’s a loneliness epidemic in the United States. One that has very real implications to quality and even length of life!
So how do we fix it? Going back to this article: belonging. Being a part of something.
That was so easy when we were kids. We had school groups, and sports, and band, and choir, and drama. Personally, I had Quiz Bowl, Engineering Club, track practice for three years, tennis and basketball one year each. And, of course, we had our class mates. For those who stayed in one place throughout their K-12 education, we knew those folks for 13 years by the time we graduated. We had a long time to get to know folks sitting in the same classes 180 days a year during that time.
As an adult, it’s … harder. Even if you are a part of an organized group, you don’t see those people every day. Once a week maybe. Once a month for some. And, for someone like me, I rather enjoy being alone. I read, make art, type up a blog post or an e-mail newsletter, go for a walk or bike ride (I swear I’ll start again soon!!). And my best way to interact with friends is in a small group: over coffee or on a walk. Maybe a visit to a museum. Some place we can talk and connect without a ton of distractions. i.e. Parties or cookouts aren’t my best way to engage with people. Places with a lot of people, especially people I don’t know, are very overstimulating to me…
In today’s society, this isn’t an optimal way to make deep relationships with people. To really get to know someone, you need to be around them. You need to go to their stuff, and they should come to stuff that interests you. Fairly regularly… Enough so that you can get to know each other, build trust, test that trust, and on…
But if you are a bit hermit-y, you get left off of the invite list. Seemingly people don’t often think of you when they think of going out for coffee. I’ve heard through the grapevine that sometimes in a group someone will ask, “Hey, what’s up with Christy?” But since I’ve rarely received any texts or calls around those times that suggest might be thinking of me, I would know that… (If someone says something like that in my presence, I text the person in question and tell them to reach out to so-and-so.)
So this holiday season, I’m struggling with the idea of belonging. I’m working on doing better with reaching out to folks when I think of them. Just a text saying that! Since I live far away from anyone I know pretty well, inviting them out for coffee is even harder than it once was. So I understand that bit. I also sent out some Yule cards this year to tap folks and give a winter holiday “hello.”
But “belonging” requires the other person to tap back. Someone to tap back. Even a light tap. A text, an e-mail, replying back to a Yule card.
And I’ll be honest, I don’t get taps back quite as often as I need to feel like I belong…
Again, I’m pretty good in my own company, and I like who I am. There are people who like me as I am. That’s all pretty good.
It’s also true that I need a little reminder of that connection every now and again. Considering the loneliness epidemic, I’m guessing I’m not the only one. Hence why I’m writing this.
So, here are some ideas I have to help strengthen the friendships and relationships in your life. These could be done any time of the year, but are especially nice during the holidays when a lot of folks are struggling more than usual.
- Go through your phone contact list. Send a text to anyone who makes you smile in that list, even if you haven’t connected with them in a looooong time.
- If you’re thinking, “Oh, I’m too busy for that.” You can’t quickly find one person to send a text to in your day? Then repeat that once a day, or once a week? Really? You don’t have time to send a text to someone who made you smile just by seeing their name? …
- Maybe you still have some folks’ e-mail addresses. Same idea. Send them a quick message. “Hi! I was thinking of you, and I hope you are doing amazing.”
- If you have any snailmail addresses around, a handwritten note feels amazing to receive.
- For folks you are geographically near to, invite one or two of those folks you haven’t seen in a while out to grab a coffee, or do whatever you common interests are! (e.g. Maybe you hate coffee (blasphemy!! 😉), but you love art and want to go to a museum instead. Whatever…) Actually put it on a calendar and honor that time. You can use Strawpoll to help you find a time that works for whoever is part of that outing.
- A last offering: for single folks, send a little extra love their way a little more often. While it is totally possible to feel alone in a romantic relationship, it hits differently when you are single. (Especially for us folks who packed up everything and moved to a place where we don’t have previous ties. It’s easy to feel invisible and forgotten.)
We can heal the loneliness epidemic. And to do so takes both sides. It takes the hermit-y people to un-hermit themselves just a bit. And it takes the folks who maybe feel a stronger sense of belonging reaching out to those in their life, or in their past lives, to pause and remember. We have so much technology at our disposal, it really is easy to reach out to people. But we have to do it.
Yule was Sunday… But it’s my winter holiday wish that each person that reads this reaches out to at least one person they haven’t talked to in a while. And to put that on their calendar weekly or monthly to continue doing that, either with the same person or someone different.
Building stronger community, and *reclaiming* our sense of community from those who benefit from us being isolated and struggling, could solve a lot of the problems of the world.
Thanks for reading. I wish you revolutionary love