As I get older and get more practice being me, I feel more comfortable in my own skin. Thank goodness! I spend such a long time carrying a sumo-suit of anger, resentment, hurt feelings, and probably more. I’ve been on the journey for over 10 years to let that go.
It’s been a good journey that’s lead me to a life that is emotionally and mentally healthier. I’ve so grateful I chose to face my demons and to walk away from many of them.
But sometimes they come haunting again. Or the ones I struggle with come out in force.
Insecurity is one of those demons that pops up when people put labels on me that I’ve tried so hard to throw off.
- “Disagreeable…”
That one stings. In my younger life, I was a full on negative Nelly. For those of you who know me and are thinking, “You aren’t now?”… No, really. I was much worse.
The anger I carried with me had nowhere to go but out. Sometimes in really volatile ways (i.e. yelling). Even now, I can be a cynic, and if someone pushes my buttons for too long I’ll go that yelling path again.
But people who newly know me haven’t had the experience of seeing me grow. They haven’t seen how far I’ve come to curb those immediate negative impulses.
Too, with my activist and union work, I think I automatically get labeled as a troublemaker (i.e. disagreeable). Because I’m the face of complaints that are going on at work, that is the main image some clamp onto. They don’t see all of the times the union leadership has worked with the administration to fix problems. They don’t see me stand beside members to maintain their dignity, along with their working rights and conditions. When people’s rights are being violated, sometimes there is no middle ground. And I get labeled as disagreeable for fighting the good fight.
It stings.
When faced with criticisms about myself, I try to listen without going on the defensive. This is hard, of course, and something I get better at each time it happens. I want to find ways to communicate so my true self shines through more often so that I don’t have to go on the defensive. Sometimes I need help with this.
Surrounding myself with people who will try to understand me when I’m not portraying myself in the most flattering of ways is one way to get that help. I want my tribe to consist of people who will reach out and try to connect with me when they think I’ve been disagreeable. This allows me to get a better idea of what I did to make them get that impression, and through our dialogue, I can also let them know where I was coming from.
A colleague approached me recently in this way, and it was incredibly productive. I acknowledged what she was saying. I truly heard her. I’m really glad she came to me. It made me rethink certain things: things that I’m working on changing and things that I’m Ok with the way they are. Our interaction wasn’t 100% comfortable, but it was incredibly important.
We need more of that. People being willing to make true connections instead of snap judgments. There’s always a back story about people we never get to see. Labeling people as this or that is rarely helpful.
So this is me. My personality is too strong to be everyone’s cup of whiskey. But I can try to be a more compassionate, empathetic person. I can keep striving to be and show my truest self.
To best do that, I need people to give me a chance. A chance to listen to their story, but also to share mine.
I definitely feel more and more comfortable in my own skin, but also appreciate the opportunity that some in my life give me to grow within that skin.
For those who choose to label me as small and lacking, well, I know my true intent. And given the chance, I’d love to exchange stories so we can understand each other better. Until given that opportunity, I’m going to keep doing the best I know how and try to live with love in my heart.