A Shift
I feel a strong spiritual shift in my life right now. There’s a lot of change, and I’m being pulled along with the flow.
Mostly it feels really good. I’m in a good headspace. I’m better able to access that calm voice where wisdom resides. I can listen to it better. And I can sense when things might start to pull me down the path of old, bad habits.
You see, right now I’m working on being able to remain calm when anger strikes. Anger is a secondary emotion. It shows up when we feel hurt, humiliated, scared, frustrated, or rejected and tries to protect you from those feelings. Or another way to put it is it hides the true root of why you are feeling angry. It tricks you into thinking it’s the only thing there.
My normal pattern is reacting to the angry feeling. It could be via a snarky remark. It could be via yelling or taking a hostile tone of voice. It could be via bottling it up. And this pattern coupled with a pattern of never giving up and never giving in, even if it results in misery … Well, bad things can happen.
And I don’t want to keep living those patterns! Even though I’ve made so much progress from when I was younger (sooooo much progress), I still sporadically have these outbreaks that leave me feeling terrible and second-guessing my worth. If at all possible, I don’t want to have one more instance like that!
So I am consciously and mindfully trying to break this pattern in my life. Daily meditation and other spiritual exercises have guided me to a place where I can feel the initial feeling and I can feel the anger coming on. And instead of closing down and giving into it, I can feel it, watch it, and respond accordingly.
Making Progress
Yesterday, I felt that feeling. I paused and listened to my gut, and I chose to leave the situation. The environment wasn’t conducive to making other people understand the hows and whys, though I did talk to someone before leaving and tried to let them know it wasn’t about them.
And it wasn’t. It was about me, and also my concern that I might go down the path of anger which would hurt the group. I needed space. I needed to listen to that inner voice that said, “Go home.” The voice I normally would have ignored I acted in one of my angry norms.
I’m listening to my inner voice. It’s been a long time since I could hear her speak. She’s quiet right now. I need to stay calm and quiet to hear her. So for now, I’m doing what’s right for me so I can ultimately take that calm into any circumstance. Basically, I’m practicing calm, so that I can respond to those triggers instead of going down the path of anger.
And as with any practice, I need support and patience as I figure this out. Because I’ll make mistakes. So that I can be my best self all of the time for the people I care about.
Different Results?
One friend pointed out that leaving was the other extreme to acting in anger. Perhaps so, but if I need it I’ll take that path. I’d much rather take a path of reflection instead of one where I lash out. There has to be less damage done with the former, right?
I guess I’ll find that out with the experiment. But the ultimate goal is to be able to keep an open heart even in emotionally charged situations so that I don’t go the path of anger. So that I can stay in touch with the bottom of the iceberg, yet still keep my calm.
I have to keep practicing as I keep changing, because it takes work and the work is hard.
Final Thought
Some readers might be thinking, “You’re a 41-year-old woman. Shouldn’t you have a handle on this stuff by now?”
Gods I wish so. But I never really had good models of dealing with emotions (Sorry Mom & Dad, but it’s true.) until I was 30. Thirty!! That’s when I started going to counseling regularly and started learning how to communicate my emotions. At first, I couldn’t even label my emotions. I literally didn’t know the vocabulary for how I was feeling.
So as part of this spiritual journey, I’m working through 3-4 decades of bad habits. I’ve come such a long way. It’s pretty rare I have an extreme outbreak anymore. But I can’t keep lashing out in anger. It hurts me. It hurts my relationships. And I may be overdue in dealing with these issues, but I’m here and trying. If that’s not enough, well, that’s all I have.
Can I Get an Amen?
Does anyone have their own tale of trying to break a bad habit or pattern in their life? What successes have you had? What failures?
At least give me a like or a thumbs up or something to let me know I’m not hanging out here all alone!