I’ve been thinking, and writing (here and here), a lot about some of the negative patterns I repeat in my life. Those patterns that keep me from fully living my best life and being my best self.
I feel like I’m in the middle of a big breakthrough.
In the past, I would stick with a situation come hell or high water. I’d keep my nose to the grindstone and keep pushing through whatever it was until the end. I’d ignore or disgard my struggle and negative feelings, always thinking: “I’m almost there.” “This is just part of it.” “No one’s happy all the time.”
Now, I can feel myself pause in difficult scenarios. I assess what’s going on and how I’m feeling. “Is this bringing me joy?” If no, “is the struggle worth the negativity I’m feeling?” Is it bringing me closer to the life I want to live?” If no, I’m noticing I don’t feel the need to cling to the situation. I can let it go, just like I can let that dress that I loved so much go because I just wasn’t wearing it.
And I’m also finding I’m able to recognize the root of when triggers of anger are popping up. When I feel the bubbles of frustration or annoyance pop up, I find that I can just watch them. I’m beginning to recognize them and get familiar with them so they don’t transform into anger. And similar to the above pattern, of just bearing down and never looking up until the situation is finished, I find if I’m feeling too gross about something I feel Ok about distancing myself from whatever is pushing the buttons of those deep-seeded issues I’m still trying to heal from.
This portion of my journey has only been going on since Memorial Day weekend. I’ve felt profound change. Daily meditation, sometimes two times a day, is creating that calm space within me to stop … assess … and respond. It’s letting me figure out what’s best with me, but also if I’m feeling crappy about something, it’s helping me so that I don’t hurt others with my words.
I’m looking forward to exploring this more. I’m also hopeful I can get enough peaceful practice before school starts to maintain this when there are more things going on. It’s easier to keep your calm when you only have to worry about yourself.
Which is the reason I’ve reinvested in my different practices. When school starts back up, I feel balanced for the first month or two. And then I start to get off-balance. Meditation and exercise are exchanged for more sleep. Stress and grumpiness enter the scene. And then there’s a higher chance I could start snapping at people, hurting those who may be trying to help me and/or those who care about me.
I am choosing not to continue on that path. If I need to walk away from a situation to avoid hurting myself or others with anger and words, I will. If something is straight up not taking me towards my best life and causing me strife instead, I want to be able to say “No, thank you” to it and move towards the life I want. The one where my best self is present, always.
The past week or so I’ve felt liberated. Just really, really good. Maybe some of these lessons are finally sticking. I hope so, because I want to be my best self not just for my own sake, but also for the sake of those around me.
As the Buddhists might say:
I wish everyone freedom from suffering in this life and all others.
To extend this further, I wish everyone freedom from suffering caused by my delusion-based actions. And I wish myself freedom from suffering from my own delusions.
Dan Millman says, “Let it flow and let it go,” in Way of the Peaceful Warrior. And that’s my goal. When I feel those prickly emotions start to surface, I want to pause and take a look at them Then I want to laugh them away as they carry my delusions of fear, powerlessness, inadequacy away. Won’t it be wonderful when the balance favors love and laughter instead!?