Cheers to 40

Last Tuesday I celebrated my 40th birthday. If I live the average U.S. life expectancy for a woman, I truly became middle-aged. And it feels Ok!

My celebrations have largely been low key. The weekend before my birthday I spent a lot of time alone. I rode my bike a lot and ate out a lot. I read books and journaled. The day before my birthday I took the day off work to go to the DMV to get my new driver’s license (the picture was Ok). I got a haircut and then donated blood.

On my actual birthday, my main plan was to spray paint my touring bike frame. When I showed up, my friends surprised me with a barbeque. We cooked hot dogs, drank beer, and worked on bikes.

Later that week, my colleagues got me a card and cake at work. A couple of students brought me a lit birthday candle, so I could make a birthday wish. A couple more gave me birthday hugs.

It was a good birthday week.

Turning 40 has left me retrospective. I see I am happier now than I was for 3/4 of my life. I didn’t really start creating happiness in my life until my separation and divorce, which happened when I was 31.

Looking back on the last 9+ years, I see personal growth in a lot of areas. I can go with the flow more easily. I don’t judge people as quickly. I listen to my heart more regularly. I face fear with less resistance. I’ve become more of an activist, standing up for social justice in more vocal ways.

I also see repeating cycles in some areas. It still takes me quite a long time to feel truly comfortable with and trust people. It’s still really hard for me to ask for and accept help.

I’m glad I’m starting my next 40 years with a challenge and an adventure. Getting into bike touring has already taught me a lot about myself, and expanded my comfort zone and the way I think about things.It’s reminding me it’s not too late to do the things you want. It’s also reminding me that life can be a lot simpler than we often make it. It’s allowed me to make friends I might not have otherwise met and reminded me the importance of staying connected. It’s given me a way to stay fit that will carry me through old age.

I look forward to the bike tour itself. As much as I’ve learned from the preparation for it, the trip itself will be illuminating too. I’ve overcome some mental hurdles about the trip, so I’m not so scared anymore, but there will be parts of it that are hard. I’ll deal with it. I’ll stop, take a break, and then get back on the bike and start pedaling again. Much like I’ve done for the other hard things in my life. There will be parts that are glorious. I’ll need to remind myself to slow and try to fully appreciate those moments, since I have a tendency to keep pushing, keep pedaling through them.

My first 40 years were ok. I’m certainly not going to complain. All of the sadness, anger, meh-ness I feel dominated those first years ultimately allowed me to be who I am today. I wish I’d started on the path of self-discovery earlier. But since I’m here now, I’m looking forward to my next 40 years. May they be filled with bikes, beers, yoga, and friends.