Where and how to start?
I wanted to write, but now that I’m sitting in front of my computer I’m not sure what to say or where to start. Hey, I guess naming that and saying it is a start!
Mental Health Update
I guess I’ll start off with a mental health update. I’ve had three sessions with my therapist thus far. I first set an appointment back on Day 65. I have some concerns about my sessions that I’ll be bringing up next week, but reflecting on those concerns has helped me gain clarity around what I need and what I’m looking for from counseling.
Part of my realization came from finishing Valarie Kaur’s book See No Stranger. It is a beautiful and powerful book that I connected with on many levels. But as far as my mental health journey, two things stick out to me. 1) I really believe in and also struggle with the idea of revolutionary love. 2) In my own life, I also sacrifice joy in the interest of pushing through busy, challenging, and/or stressful times. And I end up feeling either numb or neutral.
One quote that I love from Valarie Kaur’s book is:
Joy is the gift of love. Grief is the price of love. Anger protects that which is loved. …Wonder is the act that returns us to love
Valarie Kaur, See No Stranger
I’ve lived a goodly portion of my life where both outward grief and anger were labeled as bad. And if you lived too much in wonder, you were labeled a nerd or weirdo. Joy could be fine, or depending on the day you might elicit a, “What are you so damn happy about?” from someone. I guess being numb was a nice back-up non-emotion when other emotions were “wrong.”
Finding Joy
My past counseling experiences have helped me a ton with coping with and managing those busy, stressful times. Sort of. Except, as with most things, my commitment ebbs and flows. And as my mental health ebbs, so do the healthy habits. And back to feeling numb.
Now I’m in a time of rebooting my healthy habits with the hope that I can be more consistent with them. And I also want to make creating spaces for joy a priority.
Finding Joy: Paying the Price
One thing I’ve noticed is that I’ve been avoiding listening to music, whether old favorites or exploring new artists. Music is one thing that can really touch my soul. When I was going to a lot of house concerts, I’d cry in almost every, single one because the atmosphere of the show coupled with the emotional connection between the artist, their song, and myself was very direct. I’ve distanced myself from that, shielding myself from the cathartic grief that can come from crying along with a song that moves you.
Valarie Kaur identifying grief is the price of love resonates. Because I’ve been avoiding the price. In different ways. And yet, I deserve to grieve. Grieve for the atrocities and oppression across the world. Grieve for the traumas I’ve experienced in my life. Grieve for the traumas my ancestors faced and passed on. Grieve for the love, culture, wisdom, and beauty my ancestors held that didn’t make it to my generation.
There’s a lot to unpack, and the more I do the more free I feel as well. While I’ll be making joy a priority in my life, I’ll also need to make space for grieving.
Finding Joy: Creating
One way that allows me to work on both is creating art. Art has definitely become a part of my healing process, and it’s another habit that falls to the wayside when my mental health wanes.
Today, I made art: a mixed media journal entry in my sketchbook. I started out with complementary colors: ones that I don’t normally use, so as to challenge myself. Then I started digging through my collage goodies. Before I started the journal entry, I was feeling ‘meh.’ I was sort of bouncing back and forth between a few projects until I really got going. By the time I finished, I was smiling and feeling … good. Not ‘meh.’ Joyful.
I needed a reminder that a joyful life doesn’t have to be flash and action all of the time. Paying attention to the sparkle in the mundane? That’s the ticket.
Closing Out
I highly recommend picking up Valarie Kaur’s book, See No Stranger. I definitely cried while reading this book, and also, I read in wonder.
I do want to circle back with why I share my story through this blog. Sometimes I feel like I’m just feeding my ego. But overall, I’ve learned that shame hides in the dark. It hides when we think we are the only one to have suffered from something or the only one to go through something. I know there are folks that view me as strong and accomplished. And I want them and anyone I don’t personally know to know that I struggle too. I want folks to know my personal healing has taken a lot of work, and a lot of work with professionals. I want folks to know that I also do a lot of work on my own: learning new things, from personal growth to creating art. It’s all work. It’s all a practice. It will always be practice.
While I’m practicing, I deserve to feel as myself as I can instead of being buried under piles of grief, anger, and numbness. And every other person across the world deserves the same. We can heal together by sharing our stories.
Wishing folks love, healing, and joy.