I eat out alone pretty often. When I do, I tend to sit at the bar of the establishment (versus a table), since I like to take my time. (Bartenders typically get paid more than servers. So they get my 20% tip, but they get more from me reading my book and whatnot.)
Sitting at the bar is different from sitting at a table. If you have your own table, well you have your own table. You are isolated from everyone else. It’s pretty unlikely someone is going to walk across the room and ask to join you at your table. Sometimes it’s nice to have a full table, so I can spread out. Maybe journal or draw instead of the book.
At the bar, you have no privacy. At any moment someone could come and sit beside you. They could ask you to move over one so their party of 2, 3, 4, whatever can sit together. Someone could ask what you are reading.
Now normally, I like these moments of intimacy with strangers. I live a fairly isolated life outside of my job. Sometimes it’s really nice to talk to someone about books, life, whatever.
Last night, I ended up having to stop a conversation. A man sitting next to me asked what I was reading. I decided to take the bait. There were some things that sent up red flags in our 5-ish minute conversation.
- He touched my arm often and without permission seconds after we started talking. I ultimately asked him to stop because it made me feel uncomfortable.
- He called me a radical because I don’t like using the phrase “what do you do to make a living?”.
- He said I was strict because I didn’t want to be touched.
- He had the opinion if he had the right intent behind his actions, it meant people had no right to be offended. (The arm touching is potentially a good example. He also admitted to like to hug people.)
- He’s from Columbia, and he negated that Americans have a cultural difference in social touching and personal space.
I felt myself feeling annoyed and angry as the conversation progressed. Whenever I countered his idea, he came back at me with another label or something else that only supported his worldview. I didn’t feel like defending my entire life’s philosophy over my dinner, so I asked that we stop the conversation. I told him it was nice to meet him. He left me alone after that.
I’m glad I stood up for myself in this situation and set boundaries. Another me not so long ago might have suffered through his bullshit.
I
I’ll continue sitting at restaurant bars. Hopefully my next conversation with another member of the human race will go better.