These two things are true:
- My mental and physical health is precious and deserves care.
- I can’t get everything done for teaching three different classes with a total of 125 students during my normal workday, so I have to put in extra hours after.
But how to balance both truths.
Lately that’s meant not working much from home. I’ve been going to sleep earlier and waking more rested. In some ways I’ve been feeling better since I started doing this.
But with that, I’m pretty far behind with grading. And the flow from one lesson to the next has been a bit choppy. And these things have resulted in me feeling anxious. Thoughts buzz through my brain and into my belly about all of the things I’m not getting done. About how my room is a bit messy and disorganized. About how I promised my students I’d get caught up, but it’s just not getting done. Or, well, it is … Just at a snail’s pace.
Guilt is buzzing along with those thoughts. I’m doing the best I can, while also trying to get enough sleep and somewhat take care of my mental health. But I also know I’m not completely putting on my best face in the classroom either since things have been a bit disorganized.
It’s not a total shit-show, but I’m having a hard time focusing on the things I’m doing right.
Society is also wearing down my mental health. I feel very powerless right now with what is going on in our country. There are so many people fighting hard to be heard, and the people at the top give no indication they are listening. Or even care. These things have been adding to my overall feeling of anxiousness.
I’m already thinking into Quarter 2 about how I can decrease my out of class grading even more than I have so I don’t feel this constant pressure to be working.
Like today, I’ve been procrastinating on “real” work and feeling guilty about that. But then I think of all of the other things I’ve done. I did laundry and vacuumed my apartment. I went and bought cat food and litter. I bought my students more candy so they can use their Terrific Tickets. I fixed my bike shifters and changed out my handlebar tape. Here in a minute, I’m going to fold my laundry (while watching reruns of Highlander).
So I’m trying to carry the truths and walk with them. I’m trying to let go of the one thing (working too much after hours). Maybe when I can do that completely, I’ll feel more balanced.