Embrace Your Power

A Million Years Ago…

I was married. We married too young, 21-years-old, before we knew ourselves. Before we knew how to communicate well with others. What we did know was how to be snarky and sarcastic. I know I was accountable to giving some of that. And I remember being on the receiving end. I remember times my husband would make a joke at my expense. Specifics are a blur right now, but I remember a time I let him know that it hurt my feelings. I remember him being dismissive, saying, “It was just a joke. Why are you upset?” Looking back, I remember that happening often. Too often. To the point that I’d stop saying anything when he’d make those jokes. I’d just look away uncomfortably and chuckle, trying to pretend that he hadn’t just stuck a pin in my heart.

I didn’t have the word for it then, but I do now: gaslighting. I felt a certain way, and he tried to convince me that I shouldn’t be feeling that way. As if I were crazy to think he were anything but hilarious.

Fast Forward a Millenia.

I was in Ph.D. school and group counseling (10ish members, all women). Someone shared something in counseling. After a pause, I responded, “Sometimes that’s the way it is.” So helpful, right? But our facilitator (who was a trained counselor) asked me, “Why did you say that? What were you feeling?” I stumbled with some words to try to explain, but she kept asking me how I felt. Frustration broke over me. Then the whole group counseling session ended up focusing on me, what I said, etc… All while I was bawling my eyes out and not saying a damn thing out of stubbornness, after saying that I wish they’d change the subject. They didn’t.

During our end-of-session check out, I did manage to say a few closing thoughts about how uncomfortable was was and how unheard I felt when all of the session-mates just wouldn’t let it go. A day or so later the facilitator reached out and checked in on me. One of the big realizations I had from all of that messiness and pain was that, I didn’t know how I felt. I didn’t know beyond just a few emotions.

I’ve since learned from Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart that isn’t such a rare thing. But I felt like a Martian in regards to that around that time.

Anyhoo, since that time, I’ve worked and fought to better understand what I’m feeling. I’ve worked and fought to better communicate what I’m thinking and feeling. After 30ish years of 1) pushing all of my emotional baggage deep down and 2) not having a name for any of it, I’ve been working and fighting to connect with those things.

Fast forward to today.

Someone I know in the world popped into my DMs out of nowhere to tell me how wrong one of the stories I posted was and that I shouldn’t believe the propaganda on the thing I had posted. No, “hey, how ya doing?” No, “you might have posted that too quick. It’s not right.” Since we didn’t have an ongoing conversation going, the way the DM was worded felt very attacking.

When I wrote back, I did push back a bit against the point the person was making, after I did some deeper research and it seemed the issue wasn’t so concrete. Of course I started off my message saying “hey” and asking how they were. But the main thing I responded with was, “when you message me about stuff like this could you start off with: “Hey Christy. Hope you’re doing alright. You might want to check this post a little deeper, as it seems a bit off base to me.” That will help us both remember we’re on the same team. Thanks for reaching out.”

The response I got back was, “Sorry I’m not gonna go through all the greetings and such. I’m just engaging in your shared content. … lol”

lol??? Really??

We went back and forth a couple of more rounds. … *sigh* I’m writing this post, because 1) I need a place to put this and 2) it’s my perception that what happened during this interaction is something we can all do better on. So I’m hoping putting it out there is helpful in some way…

Where I am is looking back on how much work I’ve done to get to a place where I could tell someone what I need after an interaction that felt off to me. How much work it has taken me so that I can be vulnerable and speak my truth with people I care about, instead of just giving the uncomfortable laugh and tucking the emotion deep away again, and avoiding the person until the next uncomfortable interaction.

Now, please know, I’m a proponent of choosing battles, even if I’m not always the best in doing that. But one thing I’ve learned is if you have a yucky interaction with someone, it sticks with you. It’s better to clear the air quickly. Which was what I was trying to do with my response about the tone of their original message.

The result of those couple of rounds is: the person gaslit me in a couple of different ways. They said “hurt feelings are not a problem, but part of the process of learning.” They tried to say gaslighting could only happen in a power dynamic, as if anyone can’t manipulate someone to try to distort their view of reality. Maybe worst of all, they tried to weaponize my vulnerability in asking them to treat me a certain way when talking about charged topic, as if vulnerability is a bad thing.

And, yeah. Fuck that. I’m not doing that anymore. I won’t be shamed for being vulnerable, as if it’s a weakness. Learning to be vulnerable is one of the hardest fucking things I continue to learn and put into practice. To show up with your whole heart, knowing there are people out there who will be flippant with it?? *That* is incredibly brave. (Even when it is incredibly uncomfortable. Maybe especially so.)

Summing Up

Overall, I’m glad I tried to address this communication problem with the person. I just wanted to clear the air from something that felt wrong. I told the person what I needed when talking about charged issues in an online space. And, well, they responded with defensiveness and gaslighting. At least I know where they stand.

And next time when I put my heart out there, someone else will listen, hear me, and will want to find a way for us to communicate better. For the record: I will continue to do my best to accept accountability when I’m the one that fucks up and someone comes to me with that.

My takeaway from all of this, that I hope you take away too is: Embrace Your Power. (btw: I also have an amazing art print with this message!)

It’s Ok that people might say or do something that has a negative impact on us. People mess up, and they can’t read our minds!! So, of course, it’s Ok for us to tell them about the harm and how we would like for the harm to be made right. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always turn out the way we want, and we have to heal from that hurt on our own…

We heal so we can continue to be brave and be vulnerable with the next people we choose to let into our world, and those already in it.

I don’t feel particularly powerful right now. That whole … interaction … feels like wasted energy. The original message we pretty small potatoes. I thought my message back was pretty small potatoes. Big ball-o-wax instead.

Sometimes it happens that way…