It’s been a little over two weeks since the car accident. To most peoples’ eyes, it’s done. Over with. I have a new-to-me car. I’m walking and talking. I’m at work most of the time.
To me, two weeks out, it feels like the accident is never going to be behind me.
Certainly I feel better than right after the accident. But I’m still not even close to 100%. As I sit here typing, my neck and both of my shoulders are burning. I can’t hold my right arm up. Writing on the board at school has become a chore. A few words, then put it down. A few more, then put it down.
I was working on my bike last Thursday. I had sharp pains as I worked to fix my front derailleur while the bike was up on the rack. My lower back and left hip, while a bit better, still feel fatigued and like a slow burn is happening in my muscles.
I can ride my bike short distances. I tried riding St. Pete Critical Mass last night, and I cut myself off at 8.5 miles. I probably should have stopped at 5.
Yoga is pretty much out of the question. If you practice, think about how much you use your shoulders and arms. Think about how much you use the muscles in your lower back. I was supposed to teach a class Friday. My friend, Ami, covered for me. I mostly laid on my back with my knees to my chest, rolling back and forth. I knew downward-dog was out of the question. Even a forward fold felt uncomfortable. I’m supposed to teach a class at my school on Monday. I canceled.
I’ve been tired. I’m in a better headspace, but I know I’ve been short with my more “energetic” students (i.e. the ones who have issues being quiet and listening when I ask them to do something).
I hate how it feels to not be able to move my body the way I want. I hate feeling grumpy, yet with my students, I want them to respect me as an imperfect human being who needs some slack right now.
When it first happened I thought I might be sore for a few days. It’s going on three weeks now. Part of me is afraid I’m going to carry this limited mobility and pain with me the rest of my days. That’s a hard idea to bear.
And for those rolling their eyes, thinking there are others who have had it so much worse? That’s crossed my mind too. And I’m sorry they’ve had those worse experiences. But that idea doesn’t minimize the fear and pain I’m feeling.
The accident has shown me how fast I was going. Work, work, work. Sometimes until 9:00 at night. I leave for work at 6:30 a.m. Stop to eat.
It’s hard to slow down. Especially with my family upbringing. Once upon a time, my dad hit a deer while riding his motorcycle to work. He picked his bike up and still went to work. Once I got to middle school, my parents left before me for work. I went to school. I’m pretty sure I had bronchitis at one point. I remember coughing so hard. I went to school. There was no one to ask if I could stay home if I felt bad, so I went.
Now the lesson is, I have to slow down. I have to listen to my body. I have to try not to be grumpy with my students, maybe by expressing what I need from them more clearly. I’ve had these lessons before: during my divorce, when GPT died, when Dad died. I guess I do get better with it over time, but it’s still a hard lesson.
It’s hard, because there’s a lot of guilt. A feeling that I’m not doing enough for my lessons. Not doing enough for my students. Being too hard on my students.
Although, maybe it’s shame instead. Brené Brown says guilt has to do if you have done something wrong. Shame is when you feel that you, personally, are wrong. Technically I’m not doing anything wrong. I’m doing my best right now. So instead, maybe I feel ashamed. Ashamed that I can’t do all of the things. I’m also scared that my bosses won’t feel like that’s enough, and I’ll be punished for it in some way.
I need to keep checking in with myself, which is hard because journaling feels cumbersome right now. Gotta keep going with those baby steps with healing mind and body. I need to give myself permission to move more slowly and to take care of myself.
I need to pay attention to the journey. Where it takes me is another question entirely.