*Adult language sprinkled throughout this post…*
I try to be a positive person. In general, I can put myself in someone else’s shoes. I can usually find common ground with ideas that are different than my own. If someone says something that is off-putting, I can usually roll with it and not take it personally.
In the realm of online dating, I find these skills to be tested a little too often.
I have a couple of free online dating profiles up. In both profiles I clearly state that I am looking for a relationship. Yet I still get messages like the below (and, yes, these are real messages, or at least real occurrences that have happened to me):
- Dating Prospect 1: “You’re sexy.” (His introductory message to me.)
- Dating Prospect 2: “How many times did you make love in Paris?” (This was his introductory message to me.)
- Dating Prospect 3: We sent one or two introductory messages back and forth. I messaged him asking if he’d like to grab a beverage in the near future. DP3: “I’d like to grab some other things too.”
- Dating Prospect 4: “I’m a young virgin boy and I don’t want to be anymore. I want your help.” (His profile said he was 19. This was his introductory message to me.)
Now, I used to just delete things like this and move on with my life. But, messages like this piss me off. These men have objectified me and whittled me down to someone they’d like to fuck, and they did not have the filtering/editing abilities to instead say, “Hey, would you like to grab dinner and drinks?”
This is not the way I would like to start a relationship.
So, I’ve started messaging back:
- Dating Prospect 1: “You’re sexy.”
Me: “I’m intelligent too.”
DP1: “I’ll bet you are. You’re even sexier because you are French.”
Me: “I’m not French.”
DP1: “You look French.”
Me: “I don’t even know what that means!” *block* - Dating Prospect 2: “How many times did you make love in Paris?”
Me: “That is, and never will be, any of your business.” *block* - Dating Prospect 3: We sent one or two introductory messages back and forth. I messaged him asking if he’d like to grab a beverage in the near future. DP3: “I’d like to grab some other things too.”
Me: “No thanks. I changed my mind.” *block* - Dating Prospect 4: “I’m a young virgin boy (19) and I don’t want to be anymore. I want your help.”
Me: “Ok. Fuck you. … I hope you enjoyed it.” *block* (I’m especially proud of this come-back.
)
- *block* = me blocking them from seeing my profile or messaging me again
Perhaps it is equally juvenile for me to engage with these dickheads. If it is, I don’t care. I got the opportunity to express my displeasure at their sentiments.
If I think about how I would react if they said these sorts of things if we met at a bar, I wouldn’t respond much differently.
Some might be reading this post and thinking, “Man, she’s such a prude. These guys didn’t do anything wrong.”
I disagree on both counts. I’m definitely no prude. Also, I can take a compliment. I wouldn’t mind talking about my Paris sexual escapades with someone I know a bit and trust. I like a good grabbing under the right circumstances. But if the first words out of someone’s mouth (keyboard?) have to do with my sexuality, I’m done. You don’t get to know those things about me before you’ve even met me. You certainly don’t get to ask me to essentially prostitute myself to assuage your virginal yearnings!
I’ve had many nice dates with men that I met through online dating, and I try to keep those gentlemen in mind as I continue to date. While the chemistry wasn’t there to make us a match, the truth is they were nice guys. I hope they find someone who is a good fit for them if they haven’t already.
The assholes mentioned in this post give those guys a bad name. They are the ones that make me doubt if I’ll ever find my match. They are the ones that make me want to shut down my account.
Yet, somehow I always come back…
For me, it seems that online dating needs to be part of me meeting people. My social circle is broad, but it largely consists of female friends. When I get together with them, it is usually just the girls. So if I want to meet men, online dating or other dating events seem to be the way to go.
I’m keeping my head up regarding dating. But getting these sorts of messages, especially when they come a little too close together (the messages listed here have all been within a week or so of each other), is demotivating.
Living daringly is about challenging yourself, allowing yourself to be vulnerable so you can make real connections with people. The guys mentioned in this message do not seem interested in such things, unless they can make the connection with their respective penises.
All I can keep doing is reaching out until I find the ones that are interested in a real, human connection. I’ll keep looking for those people who make me feel like a valued human being, instead of the alternative.
