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Karma

I learned a bit about the Buddhist idea of karma at the meditation retreat I went to a few weeks ago. My understanding is that the things we do in this life plants seeds for future lives, and some of the seeds from other lives may germinate and grow in this life.

This idea of karma doesn’t work with my understanding of things. While I do think rebirth happens in some fashion, I think we get a fresh start every time. After death, we meld back into the ocean of energy that manifests the universe and potentially we choose a new body to give it another go.

I do agree with a different idea of karma though. When we are little babies, we are fresh and pure. We live in the moment. As emotions come, we let them flow and let them go, as Dan Millman (author of The Way of the Peaceful Warrior) would say.

But as time goes on, seeds are planted. Maybe we don’t get enough care as an infant, which affects our behaviors as a toddler or young child. Maybe we get lots of hugs and love from our family, and the seeds of love and stability are planted. Maybe we are loved at home but bullied at school, and seeds are planted from that.

Now, I believe the seeds are planted in one life, but that they can be spread through generations. Because each of our parents bring us into being with their own karma and experiences. And their actions help to shape who we are. And, of course, you can take this back as many generations as you like. Even research shows that abuse tends to run in families in the same way genetic diseases can.

But the other side of karma is that we can choose. We can choose to go with the flow of the seeds that shape us. If they are good seeds, great! No problem. But for the seeds that manifest in ways that don’t serve our best selves, well, maybe we need another option. We can choose to pull the weed of that manifestation that doesn’t serve us. We can choose a different path!

Recognizing the “bad seeds” is one of the hardest things to do. You don’t recognize them in the moment. For awhile they may even serve a purpose! But eventually, you grow enough that the “bad seeds” shadow the good. You start seeing them, naming them. And then you can do something about them.

I’ve recognized some of the more negative seeds that have manifested in my life. Anger and fear from a sense of powerlessness in times of conflict. Insecurity about not being heard or valued when I’m hurting. Difficulties communicating difficult emotions, because I never got great training on how to do that until I was 30 years old.

I began the path towards my best self around that 30-year mark. After my ex-husband and I separated. When I realized that I’d tied myself so tightly to my marriage, that I’d lost a lot of my identity. And that some of those parts of my identity really didn’t need to be, because they were hurting me.

I’ve more recently had a breakthrough and a recharge on this path. I’m shining light on those more negative delusions about myself, not to make them grow, but to let them know I see them more clearly now and to light where their shadows have set up camp. To light them up and weed them out.

Weeding out what doesn’t serve me.

I’m nurturing positive seeds: the ones I really want to manifest. Love without fear. Self-love. Wholeheartedness all of the time. Feeling powerful in love, compassion, and listening when faced with conflict.

This article by Itoro Udofia inspired this post. It does a beautiful job going into the hurts we gather from our pasts and excellent ways to help ourselves heal and grow from that negative karma.