Since my divorce (way back in 2010), I’ve gotten much better at this.
I’m more easily able to let go of the things that I don’t have control of. I breathe and enjoy the simple things in life more often. I’m better at catching myself and pausing when I’m angry. I enjoy my interactions with my friends and family as I see them, instead of having expectations of what everyone should be doing in my relationships.
When it comes to dating, a lot of this goes out the window. And by dating, I mean those guys that I hit it off well with. The ones who get my chemistry a-bubblin’ and stir things up.
Since that happens so intermittently, I don’t have much practice in how I “should” act. My heart starts racing. My neurons start firing, and my “stop and reflect” filter disintegrates. My mind and mouth start firing to a far distant time somewhere in happily ever after. I strive to spend just a little too much time with the guy all at once.
End product? I freak the guy out, never to be heard from again.
Granted, I’ve been known to do this with platonic relationships too. What can I say? I get excited when I meet people I jive with…
I’ve been fighting with a few ideas over the past couple of days. On the one hand, I want what I want. I want to find someone interested in at least the possibility of a deep and meaningful relationship. I want to be able to be open and honest about what I want. (i.e. I don’t want to play head games.)
On the other hand I realize that no matter who that person is, too much too fast can be intimidating. I think they call it floodlighting. It’s where you give too much of yourself in the hopes of getting a stronger connection with someone.
Hey, just because you can identify your problems doesn’t mean they are always easy to kick.
I don’t realize I’m doing it when I’m doing it. In hindsight, it feels like a releasing of the flood gates. The guy unleashes the chemical signals in me that causes my brain and mouth to release all of the things. I think my subconscious hope is that he will reciprocate with all of my sharing. The real result? A deer-in-headlights phenomenon that I don’t recognize until it’s too late.
So what to do? How to get that dating filter? How to be open-hearted and vulnerable without floodlighting? How to get what I need without pushing someone away?
Those have been the primary questions I’ve been trying to answer for a long time.
Partially I need to meet someone who is patient with me and my idiosyncrasies. Partially I need to give them the chance to be patient. Partially I need to cool my jets when I meet someone interesting and enjoy the damn ride.
Looks like Daring Greatly by Brené Brown is back on my reading list (again). Maybe I’ll get a better game plan going for the next time I meet a guy of interest.