While some people were at the beach or BBQ-ing for Memorial Day weekend, I attended a meditation retreat.
I’d thought about attending a retreat over Spring Break, back in March, but I decided against it. I decided to sign up for this one a few weeks back, because of the situation that is described in this post. I realized I needed some serious, deep-looking self-care. The universe conspired and brought this retreat to my attention that was both 1) locally close and 2) financially reasonable for me.
The topic was Ocean of Peace, which resonated with me. I love the ocean: the sounds associated with it, the smell of it, the way the water holds me up and refreshes me. Being at the beach feels purifying. Like nature is carrying away your woes through the breeze and the waves. And, of course, I’ve been very aware that I’m not at peace and haven’t been even close for too long.
I signed up, but I was nervous about going. I’ve had a sporadic meditation practice. My longest run with it was over 100 days, but my longest individual meditation practice was 20 minutes. At this retreat, there were four, one-hour blocks devoted to meditation. Whew!
In reality, those one-hour blocks were partially explanation of Buddhist ideas about how the mind works. So in any session we were actively (is that the right word?) meditating for 30-45 minutes. Still, two to three hours on a cushion concentrating on one idea? I was worried my “monkey mind” would be in full tree-climbing and swinging activity mode.
(For the record, I chose the cushion. Sitting in a chair for too long gets as uncomfortable for me. On a cushion, I have more options to move my legs around. But my knees and hips were definitely feeling it by the end of the hour.)
My worries turned out to be unfounded. Sure random thoughts popped in sometimes. And after awhile my awareness shifted to my sore hips or knees. But overall I was able to reach a deep sense of calm where I could focus on the meditation prompts. Sometimes the prompts touched my heart so profoundly I cried. Sometimes I experienced visions that were illuminating.
During the teachings I learned ways to see my problem-traits (see other post mentioned above) that made them feel like true faults of my complete being and more like symptoms of an illness. With this change in perspective, I feel I have more ways to process those parts of me that don’t serve me well and release them.
I’m normally a nap taker. I was sure during the long break after lunch I’d want to crash. Both Saturday and Sunday I didn’t. Instead, I read the complementary book I bought, reflected on the notes I took in the sessions, talked with other members of the retreats about the teachings. And I never felt tired. I was up at 7:00 for breakfast. Last night I went to bed at 10:00 or 10:30, and I didn’t really feel sleepy. I had a ton of energy! I was so surprised, because I often feel sooooo tired. That could be partially due to the food. Good, healthy, vegetarian food cooked with love by volunteers to the meditation center. But overall the meditations were energizing. I’ve never really had that experience before!
Our last meditation prompt was to imagine ourselves as Buddha: wishing freedom to everyone for their suffering, imagining he dissolved into our heart and mixed with us. I left right after the last session, and while driving the area where my heart is felt … weird. Unsettled. It was a little uncomfortable.
As I reflected upon this feeling, I had a realization. I’ve felt blocked in some ways for a long time. Perhaps that’s where my blockage is/was. And this weekend, even if it was just a little bit, I flushed some of that blockage away. I’ve started the process to become more open-hearted and loving.
I had a counseling session yesterday evening after returning from the retreat. My counselor gave me a meditation idea to keep building on the idea of flushing that blockage.
Yesterday and even today I feel so good. Lighter. Happier. I feel more like me than I have in a long time.
I’m so glad I went on this trip. It’s amazing how one experience can cause you to make huge spiritual leaps. I look forward to seeing what other lessons manifest from the retreat.