If the past were different, I would have been married 15 years today.
That’s a weird thing to think about. Nine years of “real” marriage, one year of divorce proceedings, then divorce in the 10th year (early 2010). Nearly 1/3 of my life.
It’s so strange to think of that happy and hopeful 21-year-old who married. What the hell was I thinking? Or maybe then I really was more in line with the living daringly mode of life: I wasn’t thinking. I was feeling.
How quickly those feelings dissolved in light of the real world of military life. Separated from my husband for this or that; expected to reconnect at the drop of a hat. The feelings were still there, but more diffuse. Throw in bad communication skills for good measure. Take that times 4, and you have the first portion of our marriage.
Try to build something on top of the foundation built from that, and you have the latter portion of our marriage. The attempts at the building, more bad communication, and the continual crumbling…
I only had blocks to work with after. Some I chucked out all together, some I kept. I’ve built something different and beautiful out of the wreckage. Something strong and lasting. But with the confidence and self-esteem that are in the mortar of that new life, there are regrets and doubts. Why couldn’t we fix things? When will I love again?
My un-anniversary hasn’t hit me quite this way in at least a couple of years (i.e. I’m sobbing as I write this.). Last year I was more worried about my dog’s leg injury than any lingering divorce feelings, which is evidenced from my lack of writing on the subject in my private journal. 2012 similarly lacks any reference to sad feeling about the divorce or being alone…
Perhaps it’s occupying my mind, because it’s a big un-anniversary for both my marriage and for my singledom. Fifteen years for the first and five(ish) years for the latter.
I’m giving it some thought. I’m giving it its space…
I can’t lie and say that I’m not wondering what he’s doing and if he’s happy. I could pick up the telephone, but he wouldn’t answer. And what would I say anyway? Does this specific date make him pause any more, or does it randomly occur to him as he’s getting his oil changed? I’d be interested to get an honest answer to that…
So here’s to a Merry 15th un-Anniversary to me. Yes, I think I might have a drink in honor of it.