The winter holidays are coming up. As we enter them, folks might interact with family and friends with less than a loving vibe towards some people. Congratulations!!! You just got recruited to organize them, or at least to meet them where they are to increase understanding between you on these ideas!!
Living Daringly is based on the ideas of empowerment through creativity and learning. Fortunately for you, organizing does the first of those by using your creativity to meet folks where they and their thoughts are. And hopefully, you’ll learn more about each other!!
Backing up for a second, you might be wondering what I mean by “organize” them. Dr. Marshall Ganz defines organizing as “leadership that enables people to turn the resources they have into the power they need to make the change they want.” My perception is, organizers are helpers that can guide and empower people to help us realize we are really all on the same side so we can use that power to create the world we want and deserve. How’s that sound?
I’m going to assume and/or pretend that sounds great to you!! 😉 So here’s …
A scenario
Ok. It’s Thanksgiving dinner with the whole family. Pretend you have an uncle who regularly expresses racist ideas, and you dread the thought of interacting with him every time the holidays come around. So much so that you actively plot to avoid him the whole time. Does avoiding him and not speaking your truth feel empowering to you? Is your uncle empowered by continuing those uninterrupted racist rants? (You might think the answer is “yes,” and to him in the moment they might feel that way. But in the long run, those ideas are serving him -100%.) Maybe you two have gone round and round before, so you think it might not be fruitful to do it again. (Which may be true. Maybe it doesn’t have to come from you.) But wouldn’t it be wonderful if through our familial connection we might make space for that challenging conversation to help build understanding among everyone?
The 4-V’s
I recently participated in a messaging training and learned a way to frame an issue that might help you have those conversations during the holidays. The framework involves four V’s: values, villains, victories, and vision. Here’s my perception of how it works with an example conversation:
- Values: When your uncle says or does something in their normal pattern, pause and start with values. For example, “You know Uncle Joe, I’ve always heard you say you value Jesus’s teachings of brotherhood and love. What you just said doesn’t seem to go along with what I’ve heard you say my whole life.”
- Villains: Maybe your uncle doubles down and supports his stance. Now it’s time to point at the villains. “You know, Uncle Joe, I can see where you might have got that information. There are a lot of greedy corporations and billionaires that like to keep us sniping at each other because of folks’ race, gender, religion, sex (and on…), ultimately so they can keep picking our pockets by the billions of dollars. Those who care more about greed send out information about one race or type of person being better, but we know differently through biology and history!”
- Victories: Now you can share examples you are aware of about how folks working together has really helped us have a better society. Here’s one idea: “Uncle Joe, did you know in early American history, white, Black, and even Indigenous folks worked together a lot? Once the landowners and rich folks saw that, they started passing laws saying folks couldn’t do that anymore. Why would they do that? They knew those folks were powerful working together!! And there are so many examples that when we come together across our differences, we win! People protesting the Vietnam War. Different strikes around the country and the world”
- Vision: Now share your and your family’s vision for the future. “Uncle Joe, I’ve heard you say you think the world is messed up. And I agree!! But it’s not because Black folks are taking anything from you, but because greedy corporations and billionaires want you to think they are. It doesn’t have to be this way! Just like Jesus’s ideas, we can work together in love to create a world that’s good for everyone.”
A few thoughts
I am fully aware that your conversations won’t be as smooth as this. And maybe the other person won’t let you in at all. If you feel you two are butting heads without being constructive, better to back off and go to your corners. But also keep in mind that the conversations you have will likely be uncomfortable!! Use your own judgment, but don’t back away solely because it is uncomfortable.
An addition: if there are allies in your family, call them into this. Perhaps even get together and set a plan before Uncle Joe gets there. If you choose to do this alone, my heart goes out to you. I hope you have family that might stand with you though. (Or maybe they’ll benefit by overhearing your convo with Uncle Joe.)
One more thing. If the person responds with verbal abuse at any point, here’s one idea on how to handle that: “I’m not Ok with you talking to me that way. If you apologize and want to continue talking, we can. Otherwise, this conversation is done.” *mic drop – walk away (as necessary – accepting an apology is totally optional)* You don’t have to take that, and setting that boundary is badass!
“What do you mean by that?”
Another thing, you might not have the time to really dig in to a full 4-V’s conversation, or maybe you just don’t have the energy at that time. One technique I learned that could help to set a boundary or get them thinking about what they said more is to ask: “What did you mean by that?” If they misspoke, they’ll rethink what they just said and apologize. Or they might get a sheepish look on their face, owning that they were shit-stirring while testing the boundaries around them… It still makes them aware you are paying attention and holding them accountable. So that could be a speedy version.
Summing up
I remember how I felt growing up, and even as an adult who hasn’t learned decent communication skills until late. Someone would say something blatantly bigoted, my face would get hot, maybe tears would flood my eyes. If I said anything about it, I would immediately jump on the offensive and my emotions would rule. But at the end of it all, I didn’t feel empowered. I didn’t feel heard. And I certainly didn’t feel like I changed anyone’s mind.
In my family, when I was growing up, it was impolite to talk about money, politics, and religion. All of that is bullshit. We *NEED* to talk about those things. There are people who don’t want us to talk about those things so they can rob us blind and steal our vision for our future. Let’s start having these conversations in the networks we’ve had since birth, where we can and where we can truly be safe. And I want to be clear for most folks reading this: discomfort is not equal to a lack of safety. (A lack of safety would be something like being kicked out of your home or being physically or otherwise abused because of standing up for your values.)
Let’s have these conversations, and let’s do it in way that honors the humanity of the one we are talking with. Even if they seem so, so different from us. Even if they seem like a lost cause. I feel like the 4-V’s could be a tool in our toolbox to help us have those conversations in a humanizing way. And maybe we can take back some of the power in our families and communities.
Please let me know your experience with using them if you do!
P.S.
As I’m typing this, Valarie Kaur’s book See No Stranger is definitely on my mind. It’s a wonderful resource for thinking about how we can better connect with all of our human siblings. “You are a part of me I do not yet know.”
And, as always:
May we share
kind thoughts,
kind words,
and kind actions,
intentions,
and love.