Looking Back
I recently started my 48th trip around the sun. Looking back, it feels like I’ve lived more than a life. Or maybe it’s more that I’ve changed so much in my life and passed a lot of different milestones along the way.
What’s on my my mind right now is healing. As a young person and as a young adult I carried around … a lot. A lot of unexpressed emotion from things I was ill-equipped to deal with. Within that bag of emotion was a whole lot of anger. There was also a lot of grief, masking itself as anger. There was frustration and powerlessness. I’m sure there are a lot more so-called negative emotions tangled up in there, and are probably still tangled in me. Though few than there once was.
Even into my 30s, I was unable to really tell people *how* I felt. I knew the above emotions, but there are so many more than that. A therapist helped me begin naming what I was feeling.
Abby VanMuijen made this beautiful color wheel that really helps me identify emotions.
Back then, I would erupt. I’d go along for a period of time. Everything would be “ok.” But not really. Every little unresolved conflict got stored away like rocks into a backpack. Some of those rocks were pebbles. Some bigger. But they all added up until there was one rock too many. When that happened I began throwing them at whoever pushed the wrong button. Anger roared out, probably displaced from where it would have been more properly directed. Or maybe even completely missing the point, because anger is what was thrown, but it was grief that I needed to let go of.
That eruption took pressure off my back. It lightened the load, a little. It also added feeling shameful about the outburst… But I’d be “ok” again until the next eruption…
Fast Forward
So I’ve lived. And learned. And grown. I’ve passed many milestones that feel like transitions into whole new areas of life.
Today, I am absolutely not perfect. I am still the person that if someone pushes my buttons for too long I will unload. But before that happens, I generally let the person know that I need to stop the conversation. I tell them I’m feeling triggered. If they refuse to listen to me, they aren’t respecting my boundaries. I need to get better about walking away instead of unleashing all of the things on someone in those moments, but also folks need to respect boundaries. Two things can be true.
My point is … healing. Some, at least.
Another example: I used to be opinionated. And I want to be real clear about what I mean about that word. Everyone has opinions, and that’s not a bad thing! My understanding of opinionated is someone who has opinions and thinks theirs is *right.* Which, of course, makes everyone else’s wrong. It erases different perspectives and mindsets. There are times I can still go there, but more often I feel myself digging in my heels and I can say, “I didn’t think of it that way.” Or, I can even find myself losing or giving up my opinion because someone made me see a different way, or I want to accommodate many folks’ opinions. (Which can lead down a path towards people-pleasing, if you’re not too careful…)
One more thing: I’ve begun surrounding myself with people who have learned healthy communication skills. And, I’ll tell you what, it’s fucking wonderful. To not feel like you have to walk on eggshells to express yourself. To know that if you fuck up in your relationships that folks will hold you accountable, but with love. That they won’t cast you out never to be heard from again. (Yes, this has happened often in my life.) And that you can take hard stuff to them when they’ve caused harm. That you’ll work through it, because you’ve got each other’s backs.
Summing Up
Being in these healthier relationships is another milestone I’ve passed. And it’s a phase of life that still feels uncomfortable. Largely because 1) of all of the times I fucked up in relationships in the past and 2) all of the times folks were toxic with me. My brain and body still have the expectation that something bad is going to happen when conflict arises in relationships.
But I’m gaining more and more data with the “right people” that you can, indeed, be safe and fully yourself in relationships. That it’s Ok to have boundaries. Sometimes there are periods of discomfort that need to be addressed, but I’m finding that is the cement in the relationship. Those moments are what help you connect more strongly into the future. A person being vulnerable, sharing an issue important to them, and you listening.
And what about those periods of discomfort, where conflict is necessary? Personally, I’m learning not to throw them into my backpack anymore. The backpack still has heft to it from all of those past things I can’t quite put my finger on and still haven’t been resolved. But I’m trying not to add more
If it’s something having to do with a person I’m in relationship with, I’ll work it out with them. If it’s something else, I write in my journal. I create a drawing, mixed-media art piece, or poem. I transform the yucky feelings and release them
If that last bit sounds kind of nice, I’m hosting an Art Play Workshop tomorrow (May 13 at 6:30 ET). Join me, and together we’ll reflect, journal, and create a unique art piece based on your ideas and emotions!! Only $17 to join.
