No More Shaming

Once upon a time, I was a regular visitor to the People of Walmart site. People post pictures of people shopping at Walmart. Often these people have interesting or unique outfit choices. Sometimes they are doing things that don’t make much sense in the picture. Sometimes less-than-socially-acceptable body parts are visible.

When I first visited the site, I laughed. I laughed at those people. At some point I had a couple of realizations.

• Those people never knew they were being photographed.
• They never consented to their picture being put out there.
• They were just out doing their shopping.

Once I had these realizations, I began to feel bad about my visits to the site. In the comments I saw: fat shaming, slut shaming, parent shaming, poverty shaming, race shaming… So many efforts to shame people who were just out to get a deal or their groceries.

I realized what exactly I was contributing to by visiting this site and by laughing, and I never went back. I still feel guilty for my initial reaction to these people.

But as a society, we don’t just do such things to strangers. Sometimes we throw shame at those we love.

A quick definition: Brené Brown defines shame as feeling you are wrong. This is compared to guilt to feeling like your actions are wrong. So if someone is trying to shame someone else, you are labeling them as wrong or less-than.

So back to throwing shame at those we love. I think most often it shows up as a judgment of someone’s actions. Back in 2008 I was in an accident where I totaled a Jeep Liberty. I hit a patch of black ice and ran the Jeep into a ditch.

My uncle came to get me and my ex-husband from where the EMS dropped us off. (We were Ok.) On the drive to where my family was meeting up, he started in:

“You should’ve been driving slower. You shoulda … You shoulda …”

I don’t think he was trying to be hurtful. But at the time, someone telling me what I should have been doing wasn’t even a little bit helpful. The accident was playing in my mind over and over. I wasn’t going that fast. I didn’t receive a citation for the accident, so even the police didn’t assign me fault. The weather was just at that borderline point where stuff starts to free and the temperature dropped.

In other words: shit happens.

After the ordeal of the accident, I didn’t want to argue so I sort of defended myself, but then let it slide. But it stung. Enough that I’m bringing it up now.

But I feel like I understand why he was doing it. He was distancing the possibility of an accident from himself. By listing the things I should have done, he was suggesting he’d never do those things himself. That if he’d been driving, certainly he wouldn’t have run into the ditch. He wouldn’t have had an accident.

To roll this back to People of Walmart, people distance themselves from what they deem beneath them. As if they could never be fat, poor, or choose your other labels of otherness.

But the reality is, sometimes we do have accidents. Death is imminent and inescapable. Only the time and form it takes changes. And no one wants to think they will have a scrape with death. Maybe we could lose our job and be poor. Maybe we could develop a health issue of some time and become obese. Etc… Etc…

So, if you’d only …

Not so much the statement of care the person may mean it to be. Instead a statement of judgment and disconnection, because … well … you have no idea what I should have done (or worn or eaten or dated or …). You weren’t there and you aren’t me.

In regards to the car accident I was in, what might be helpful is giving me something I need. Maybe a hug. Or someone to say, “I’m so sorry you were in an accident.” Or someone to say, “I’m so glad you are walking and talking after the accident.”

In my life, I am trying to back off of reactionary replies to things. For those of you who know my fiery side, I’m sure you can imagine the challenge I face. In recent history I’ve had mixed success with this. I find myself coming back to my breath more before jumping into a conversation or deciding what to do. But I also feel this compelling need to make my voice heard, to keep the old pattern.

My counselor gave me the tool of prefacing goals with “What would it take … ?”

What would it take for me to breathe and listen before responding (or not)? What would it take for me to best be there for my friends? What would it take for me to connect with empathy before responding?

I can only control my own response to things. But from my perspective, the world could use a whole lot more of this. As a society we jump to judgment oh so quickly. But the reality is that we are all humans. We all make mistakes. We all desire connection. We all want to feel accepted and loved.

What would it take to set a culture where we can have those things? Not visiting People of Walmart would be a start. Sending messages of love to those who have been through trauma instead of messages of judgment would be another.